Unspeakable Pain

It's hard to write about something there aren't words for. A fellow survivor of child abuse said to me, "Sometimes the pain is so great that it doesn't go from in here (from my heart) to out there. it doesn't come out of your mouth in words." This friend (thanks, Ron!) really got my experience. I have been sitting with the pain I felt about being enslaved by my parents and it is unspeakable. Unimaginable. And infuriating.

Child trafficking is called modern day slavery for a reason. It is slavery. Slaves are beaten, raped, tortured, tied up, kept in small quarters, given to other people to use and abuse...they are treated like property. Monitored and made sure they don't run away. Their lives are threatened. They are separated from relatives and loved ones, not allowed to make significant relationships with others. They are not allowed to keep (m)any possessions. They are isolated, seen as the bottom rung of society. They are treated as inhuman. They must create code languages to speak with one another. Their voices and song are shunned. Their identities and people are erased. It's dangerous for any one to ally with a slave and help them escape. It's dangerous for a slave to escape. The slave is seen as a criminal when s/he escapes but the master/perpetrator is not seen as a criminal.

I was a child. I was enslaved. I was a prisoner. My parents and community (local and global) sanctioned my slavery.

The worst part was that they kept me from my SELF - my freedom, my autonomy. They kept me from knowing my own humanity. It's like being separated from your best friend, but worse. Your soul is taken hostage and you are made to watch other people torture it. You are forced to pretend the torture isn't happening, even pretend that you like it, tell yourself you deserve it. And you fight silently, quietly, secretly, until you can reclaim your soul.

And when you reclaim it, it's so battered, beaten, shriveled up that your hands can't even try to be gentle enough. Every time you touch your soul, you find bruises everywhere, on all sides and crevices. And as you heal, you realize just how much pain there is stored - you see just how deep the pain goes and you can't help but weep for days.

Sometimes others can hold you. Sometimes it hurts too much. Sometimes you want to cry on your own while others just sit and witness. And sometimes, your soul hides again, only to realize that the pain of silence is worse than the pain of healing. The pain of silence isn't worth it. The pain of healing is a reclamation of pain from the past - pain that is stolen, denied, and even enjoyed by the abuser. You realize, that it is YOUR pain, and you want it back. The pain of healing is relief, sorrow, disappointment, sadness, rage, and overwhelming grief. For so much is lost to you, and you will never get it back. You can only live on.

Support Survivors Connect and Vote in the Pepsi Refresh Project!

Create a SMS: Freedom Helplines to Combat Trafficking in California

http://www.refresheverything.com/survivorsconnect

Goals

• To create a text-based helpline for people to contact about slavery
• Train human rights advocates and aid workers about slavery
• Coordinate a network of first responders to rescue victims
• Prevent young people from becoming victim to slavery in the US

Overview

Survivors Connect is an organization working to build advocacy and support networks of activists and survivors fighting modern-day slavery and human trafficking. One of our core programs is building SMS Helpline Networks, that use mobile technology to better coordinate first responder advocates (law enforcement, social service providers, NGO advocates etc) in emergency situations, as well as provide a 24/7 Helpline that potential victims and families can contact to obtain information about human right, trafficking and related issues. California's Bay Area is a one of the major hubs in the US for human trafficking and it is integral to have a well-concerted and coordinated response.

Deliverables include:
- Installing and training a network of anti-trafficking advocates on SMS system
- Asset Mapping of all major resources available (both personel and organizations) to service victims
- PSAs about the Helpline service

"Alameda County ramps up efforts to combat child trafficking"

"Worldwide, the State Department estimates that at least 1 million children are sexually exploited by traffickers each year, generating billions in revenue. Earlier this week, federal agents arrested 884 people in a nationwide crackdown on child prostitution rings. The sweep, dubbed Operation Cross Country, arrested at least 99 suspected pimps and freed 69 children. On Monday, authorities in Minnesota broke up three Somali child trafficking gangs and arrested another 29 people. Efforts to raise awareness about the problem in America's cities are growing."

Read On!

off to Minnesota

3:30am wake up call and off to Oakland airport for a 6am flight to Denver en route to Minneapolis.

St. John's University/College of St. Benedict here I come!

Can't wait to see the extended Bonner Family =)

National Day of Action Next Week 11/17

On November 17, the National Coalition to End Domestic Minor Sex Trafficking is organizing a National Day of Action to pass the Domestic Minor Sex Trafficking and Victims Support Act (H.R. 5575). If passed, this legislation would provide victims of human trafficking with access to much needed services and shelters. H.R. 5575 would also provide grants to state and local governments who work with social service agencies to train law enforcement and increase investigations.

Find out more about how to TAKE ACTION.

Unit 2, UC Berkeley

I just got home after a great event with Unit 2 Residence Hall at UC Berkeley. Thanks to Minnie, Jenny, Danielle, and Sara for inviting me and organizing the event!

Just a reminder to everyone to check out my Resources page for ways to get involved and to pursue your own healing.

Californians! Take action on SB 1231 and SB 657

SB 1231 will ensure that tax-payer dollars are not inadvertently used to support sweatshop or slave labor. This critical piece of legislation has passed both Houses of the California State Legislature and is now awaiting the Governor’s signature.

SB 657 will make California the first state that legislatively mandates greater transparency in manufacturing and retailing companies supply chains. Its passage will provide advocates, consumers, and citizens of California with another weapon in the fight against human trafficking and slave labor.

Send Governor Schwarzenegger an email!

Trauma and Recovery

I'm reading Trauma and Recovery right now by Judith Herman and it is a GREAT book. It's great because Dr. Herman presents data and evidence for her conclusions as well as makes intuitive sense as well. She connects the personal to the political, war to intimate partner violence and child abuse. She has a holistic view of trauma in our world and how they are interconnected. I recommend it to anyone interested in ending violence, fighting for social justice, or healing their own trauma.

A passage:

"Survivors of political imprisonment and torture similarly describe being forced to stand by helplessly while witnessing atrocities committed against people they love...In a tale of survival in the Nazi extermination camps at Auschwitz-Birkenau, Elie Wiesel chronicles the devotion and loyalty that sustained him and his father through unspeakable ordeals...he is haunted by the imagery of the few moments when he was faithless to his father: '[The guard] began to beat him with an iron bar....I watched the whole scene without moving. I kept quiet. What is more, any anger I felt at the moment was directed, not at the [guard], but against my father. I was angry with him, for not knowing how to avoid Idek's outbreak. That is what concentration camp life had made out of me.'

"Realistically, one might argue that it would have been fruitless for the son to come to his father's aid, that in fact an active show of support for his father might have increased the danger to both. But this argument offers little comfort to the victim who feels completely humiliated by his helplessness. Even the feeling of outreach no longer preserves his dignity, for it has been bent to the will of his enemies and turned against the person he loves. The sense of shame and defeat comes not merely from his failure to interceded but also from the realization that his captors have usurped his inner life" (Herman, 1992).

This passage really hit home for me. In the context of my child abuse, my parents were the ones who ursuped my inner life. I thought I betrayed my own humanity and integrity when they took advantage of my helplessness. I thought I betrayed my self by not standing up to them. I also had to turn against my self, whom I would naturally love and care about. And yet how could I stand up to them when they created an environment of terror, just like in the concentration camps? My survival was dependent on my parents. And how could I love myself when my very own parents were not loving me? This is a battle I fight internally every day - to acknowledge that as a human, I could only love my self because it is in my biology to preserve myself - to stay alive. I am the one who survived and persevered. And yet, I also turn against myself and "not love" my self in many ways, big and small, each day. I take on my parents attitude and diminish my healthy, beauty, joy, friendships, achievements, and more...this is both sad and infuriating. My journey now is to separate from the legacies and lies of the past, and it is quite the journey...