on family

the topic of family has always been been multi-edged for me. how do i balance a fluid/flexible/inclusive/non-nuclear definition of family while also acknowledging that there are real things that blood relations could provide you that no one else can? for example, blood relations are meant to be the ones who raise you, who grow up with you, who see you grow up, who contribute to your development, acknowledge your existence, be the first people who embrace you in this world and teach you what to expect from the world. we all need community, and a blood related family is a natural, pre-scribed, community.

and yet, what happens when that pre-scribed community is not one that supports you nor teaches you that you are loved and worthy? for some of us, that pre-scribed community was so toxic that we had to leave.

as we head in to the holidays, a time where family typically gets together, my mind is on family. who is my family? who is my community? it certainly is not my blood relations.

i am learning that for many people, those with blood families and those without, you grow up and establish your own family and community. you may still be connected to your blood relations, but you create your own community and family. which one is more central to each person? for me, it has become this newly-scribed, newly created family and community, that is central to my life. today, that's okay with me. i often yearn for those blood ties, but I am learning that one can do pretty well without. thank you to those who are in my new family and community (you know who you are). for helping me live in to a new legacy.

naming it makes a difference

What a relief to finally have a name, a phrase, for what I'm going through: Vicarious Traumatization!!!!

"Vicarious trauma is the process of change that happens because you care about the people you serve. Over time, this can lead to changes in your psychologocial, physical, and spiritual life that also affect your family, your organization, and your patients/clients." Peralman, L.A. & McKay, L (2008). Understanding and addressing vicarious trauma. www.heading-institute.org

I have had a rough time this semester, my first semester as an MSW/PhD student, and everything I've read about Vicarious Trauma today has resonated with me. I thought it was just me, dealing with my own trauma, but I'm learning now that it's also me, feeling other's traumas. Oh the ironies of empathy and being emotionally attuned. At least now I can pave the way towards greater self-care and health...

about violence

"The master's tools will never bring down the master's house." - Audre Lorde

We will never end violence and oppression by using violence and oppression. Paulo Freire warned us that "during the initial stage of the struggle, the oppressed, instead of striving for liberation, tend to themselves become oppressors, or 'sub-oppressors.' The very structure of their thought has been conditioned by the contradictions of the concrete, existential situation by which they are shaped" (Pedagogy of the Oppressed). We need to enact alternative ways of being with each other. Being the one to break the cycle of violence is a huge burden to carry, but worth it for our own integrity and humanity.

The most violent thing that has ever happened to me is that my parents did not love me. I looked in their eyes and they did not look back at ME. They did not see my humanity. They denied it. It was this DENIAL OF MY HUMANITY that was so painful, not the acts of physical or sexual abuse. It was this denial of my humanity that allowed them to abuse me - it was the precursor and prerequisite for their abuse.

This is why the violence by police officers at Occupy Cal is SO disturbing and painful for me to watch. In what ways are the police officers denying the humanity of the protesters? In what ways are the protesters denying the humanity of the officers?

DAILY, we are condoning and enacting violence on one another by merely disregarding our own and another person's humanity. The part of us that turns away when we see a person asking for spare change is the same part of us that can beat another person. It is all a continuum - any of us (give or take a few), given a different environment, background, or experience, could become violent. And thus, any of us (give or take a few), given a different environment, background or experience can become loving.

We CAN stop the violence. We MUST. Our hearts and our souls demand it.

principles for community action

with the occupy movement nearing its 2 month hold, and images of occupy cal include policy brutality and intimidation, it's made me think on and reflect on these "principles for community action" that I developed specifically for anti-trafficking work. I do see many of these principles translating into principles that can be applied anywhere and everywhere for any social issue:

1. Tell the Truth: Instead of dispelling myths, let's talk about the truths.
2. Desensationalize: Don't make an issue what it's not.
3. Use a Language of Liberation: reclaim the vocabulary used to describe the people who experience injustice
4. Tell the Truth...again...Tell Stories of Freedom: Survivors of any experience need models for living outside of a previously harmful experience. don't just talk about the horrors one has overcome but take a social worker's strengths based approach and talk about the stories of success. AND, don't make success so idyllic. Living in freedom can be hard.
5. Use Pedastals for Statues, not Survivors: Enough said? Survivors and the people who overcome sever hardships are regular people too. Putting them on pedastals separates them from you and they have already experienced that separation and alienation from their perpetrator/oppressor.
6. Leave a Legacy: How are you going to sustain yourself? Survivors/the oppressed cannot be the fuel for do-gooders who are not sure why they are in this work. You need to be motivated by your own purpose.
7. Peace is in the Pain: Allow people to express pain AND anger about what has happened. If we grieve and express our anger, we can work to achieve what is possible, instead of try to undo/redo/revenge what has already past.

More on each of these later! I'm literally falling asleep while typing!

transitions

with much encouragement from a good friend (thanks, Michael R!), I am going to post to my blog more frequently. i just started graduate school and finding that I need an outlet for my thoughts, process and ideas that is somewhat informal, yet shared with others. I have a lot on my mind that I want to write about, but I keep telling myself - oh wait until you are ready to publish that. well you know what...that might be awhile, so here I go. into the world of blogging just one step deeper.

my work is changing. I am seeing myself as a philosopher, thinker, lover, future mother, counselor, teacher, friend....I never imagined this could be so. I had my last official anti-trafficking speaking engagement a couple weeks ago at the Free Speech Movement cafe. Lots of my fellow MSW students came out (thanks, Class of 2013) and I spoke from a different space than usual. Nikki Junker, a fellow survivor and founder of With More than Purpose was here and taht was the first panel I was on with another survivor. It was SO great to have her there. Two young women finding our way in the world of freedom.

One thing I'm learning is that I have reached a "done" point with having my story be the focal point of my presentations/speaking engagements. I want to be known for something else. I turned out a HUGE offer to speak at a national anti-human trafficking conference this Spring. I don't regret it.

my work is changing. and yet it's the same. it's about life, love, and justice.

more to come on:
Principles of Community Action
Grief and Rage